cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
