It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
