how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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