I'm drive I can fine osifer
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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