I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
