I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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