what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
