I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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