whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
