I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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