This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
