I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
