If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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