Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
