So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
