fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
