Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
