How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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