he wants to bone in the snuggie
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
