Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
