how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
