from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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