my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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