you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
