My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
