Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
