They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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