so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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