her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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