my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
