True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize