i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
