I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
