I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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