Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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