If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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