i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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