this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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