he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
