Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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