I think scott just propositioned me for sex
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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