Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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