dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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