You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
