How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
