hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
