I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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