are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
