I just made out with a guy for $7.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
