Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
