Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
