I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
