he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
