Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We got so high we made milksteak
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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