I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
