Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
