i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
