My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
