If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
