OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
